Fresh
Air
Alan
Deckard looked around the room, taking in the completely eccentric scene. There
were some people from work, a girl Alan knew that worked in the café down the street
from his apartment and about seven people he had never seen before. The
apartment was full and there didn’t seem to be a sober individual in the mix.
Jillian, the one responsible for Alan being at this little bash, stumbled
through the crowd toward him, almost spilling her bright green cocktail several
times along the way.
“Having
fun, stud?” she asked, slurring her words only slightly.
“Loads,”
Alan rose from the couch where he had been sitting for the last hour.
“Actually, I think I’m about to hit the road.”
“Oh, come
on! It’s Saturday night Al, have a little fun!” Jillian twirled the little
umbrella in her drink and took a quick sip from the straw. “You can stay the
night if you want.”
Alan
laughed. “Jillian, stop flirting with me. I’m gay, remember?”
“Oh, Al!
You are such a joker! Why don’t you go mingle? Maybe you’ll meet some new
people. Maybe a new friend.”
That’d be
great. All I need is another friend.
“Well?”
“No.
Thank you Jillian, but I think I’ll just head home.”
“C’mon,
stud, let’s go out on the deck for a bit before you go.” She grabbed his arm.
“Please?”
Alan
hesitated. He didn’t want to be at the party any longer. However, he didn’t
have anything better to do. “For a minute.”
Jillian
led him through the jamboree of bouncing idiots and into the kitchen. She
paused before sliding open the glass door. “You want something else to drink?”
“No, I
have to drive home.” Alan smiled. “Besides, I’ve already had a Martini.”
“Oh you
drunk!” Jillian rolled her eyes.
“I don’t
drink very much,” Alan admitted. “I’d prefer to remain conscious.”
“I
guess.” Jillian opened the door and stepped out onto the patio. She held her
hand out to him. “C’mon, stud.”
He
laughed and took her hand in his. “Why do you always call me that?” he asked,
stepping out onto the terrace.
“Because
you are a stud, silly.” She smiled and dropped his hand. Spinning
around, her little red dress twirling with the wind, then sauntered over to the
railing.
“Right.”
He glanced at his new surroundings. The veranda was mostly barren, aside from
one of those tables with an umbrella jutting up from its center with three
matching chairs and the barbeque tucked away under its protective plastic
covering in the corner.
Alan
sighed. He ran his hand over his short brown hair. Used too much gel again.
“You
don’t think you are?” Jillian removed the straw from her drink and ran it over
her tongue, eliminating the lingering fluid from its surface, then tipped the
glass back, draining it quickly. After dropping the straw back into the empty
glass, she placed it on the table. “I’ve always thought you were very handsome.
Too bad you’re gay, stud.”
Feeling
uncomfortable, Alan took a seat in the closest chair. Eager to change the
subject, he asked, “So how long have you worked at Ralston?”
Ralston
Insurance, the first company that offered Alan an actual job. That is,
employment that didn’t come with a goofy hat, a spatula and constant grease
stains.
“Since I
got out of college.” Jillian turned. “What about you? Did you work any place
else before?”
He
laughed. “When I was in college, I worked at McDonald’s. That was truly
a horrible experience.”
“I bet it
wasn’t all that bad.” Jillian joined him at the table. She had somehow lost her
drunken slur. “No deadlines. No bossy jerks screaming at you on the telephone.
No ridiculous claims. No real responsibilities.”
“Instead
of people yelling at me on the phone, it was in my face. People are never
happy. It was always something; the fries, the soda, the damn sauce packets. I
mean, how many packs of ranch dressing do you need for six chicken nuggets?”
Jillian
laughed. “At least you didn’t have to spend eight hours a day filing a bunch of
meaningless paperwork that will never again be seen by man.”
He
laughed. “That’s true.”
“Are you
sure you won’t have another drink?” “How about a Martini?”
Their
little chat had made his uncomfortable feeling fade away. Alan gave in. “Sure,
I’ll have one more. Just one, though. I don’t want to wake up with a hangover.”
Jillian
grinned. “You’ll be fine. Or maybe you’ll be so tipsy that you’ll have to stay
the night with me.”
Grinning,
he shook his head. “I don’t think I can reach that level of drunkenness.”
They
stood and went back into the apartment.
Shortly
after preparing their drinks, Jillian ventured into the flailing mass of bodies
again. Alan, already regretting his decision to stay for another drink, made
his way to the couch. However, he found it occupied. A guy from his office and
the woman from the coffee shop¾madly
groping one another and kissing sloppily¾were sprawled
across all three cushions.
“Damn,”
Alan muttered.
“Can’t
find a place to sit down?” a voice asked from behind him.
Alan
turned. It was another guy from the office. He was handsome; bald, probably
shaven to counteract the thinning of his hair. Green eyes mixed with a hint of
brown, not unlike Alan’s own. Alan knew his face, but couldn’t recall his name.
“No.”
“I was
just heading out to the deck for a smoke.” He reached into the chest pocket of
his burgundy dress shirt and whipped out a lighter. He flicked it once,
unleashing a brief flash of flame. “Care to join me?”
“I don’t
smoke,” Alan said. “And I just came from out there.”
“Your
choice. Have fun, man.” He took a step backwards, turned and started to walk
away. Alan glanced at his backside. His pants, even though they were slightly
loose, did nothing to hide the firm ass underneath.
“Wait!”
Alan shouted a little louder than he had originally meant to. “I could use some
fresh air.”
The guy
turned around. “I thought you said you just came in from outside?”
“Well, I
didn’t…get enough last time. I think I could go for a little more.” Alan
smiled.
“Sounds good to me, man.”
Alan
followed him through the gyrating crowd and out onto the veranda.
“Wonderful
night.” He lit up a cigarette and took a long drag.
“It
really is.”
He
exhaled slowly, his tongue twirling in his slightly open mouth. “I’m Josh, by
the way. Josh Withers.”
“Alan.”
He cleared his throat. “Alan Deckard.”
They
shook hands. Alan was careful to squeeze Josh’s hand tightly in a strong shake.
He then let his eyes explore Josh’s body. Josh was broad and muscular, while he
was slim and the only muscles on his body were the result of lugging boxes of
files up and down three flights of stairs twice a day.
Alan
thought for a moment about what it would be like to unbutton his shirt, reveal
his muscular chest, bite his nipples, kiss his stomach, maybe even move down a
little further… God, what it would be like to look up into his smiling face
while tasting him deeply? The feel of skin on skin, fumbling together in the
dark... It would be fantastic. You’ve been alone for too long. You’re
fantasizing about straight guys, again.
“Nice to
finally exchange names,” Josh said, snapping Alan out of his daydream. “I’ve
seen you at work several times, but I’ve never had an opportunity to stop for a
chat.” He took another draw from his cigarette. “How do you like Ralston?” He
exhaled.
“It’s
okay.”
“Yeah, I
understand. Life in the insurance business isn’t the most interesting. At least
you’re down there on the third floor, doing interesting work. I’m trapped up on
six with all those boring accountants.” He took yet another drag, followed by
an extremely slow exhale. “Oh well, it pays the bills, huh?”
Alan
nodded trying to stop the erotic pictures of Josh’s naked flesh flashing
through his mind. Man, you’re so damn hot.
Josh
cocked his head to the side. “You don’t talk very much do you, Alan?”
“Oh,”
Alan was instantly embarrassed, “sorry, I’m not all here I guess. Sort of
tired.”
“You had too
much to drink?” Josh nodded to the glass in Alan’s hand.
“No. This
is only my second drink of the night.” Alan took a tiny sip from his Martini.
“And my last, actually.”
“I see,”
Josh sat down at the table and motioned for Alan to join him.
Alan took
a seat. “So, Josh, how did you end up coming to this party?”
“Jillian
invited me.”
“She
invited me, as well.”
“That’s
cool.” Josh puffed on his cigarette.
Alan sat
thinking of what he could say next while he was inspecting Josh. He glanced at
Josh’s left hand. No ring. Not married. Is he gay? He doesn’t really seem to
be. However, he did request that I join him on the deck…
“You and Jillian work on the same floor,
huh?”
Alan
looked up from the table. “Yes. She’s in the cubicle right next to mine
actually.”
“You guys
close? Hang out a lot?”
“We go
out for lunch together sometimes and have coffee after work occasionally. Well,
more than occasionally actually. She’s pretty much the only friend I’ve made so
far.”
“That’s
cool,” Josh said. He took another long draw from this cigarette. Before
exhaling, he asked, “So are you seeing anyone?”
“No.”
Alan wanted to leave it at that. He didn’t really want to get into his personal
life with a coworker. It almost always opened up a can of worms that he didn’t
want to deal with.
“That’s
very cool.” Josh smiled, running his tongue along his lower lip, causing it to
gleam in the light streaming out through the glass doors.
Alan
laughed.
“What?”
Josh asked.
“You say
that a lot.”
“Say
what?”
“That
things are ‘cool’.”
Josh laughed.
“Yeah, I know. I guess I picked that up in college and never let it go. At
least I don’t say that stuff is ‘groovy’.”
Alan
smiled. He was about to ask which college Josh had gone to but he felt
something brush against his calf, smooth over his knee and slide back along his
thigh toward his crotch. Startled, he looked down. Josh’s foot pulled away
quickly.
“What are
you doing?” Alan was shocked.
“I’m
sorry,” Josh’s face flushed with embarrassment. He quickly puffed on his cigarette.
“I heard you were gay. I’m sorry if I offended you. I’m so sorry, Alan.”
Alan
caught his breath, still slightly in shock from the experience. A smile etched
its way across his face. “I am gay.”
“Good,”
Josh said. “Now I don’t feel like a complete idiot.”
“You’re
not an idiot, just very forward.”
“Is that
such a bad thing?”
“Not at
all.” Alan smiled, thoughts of ripping Josh’s clothes off raced through his
mind again.
Josh
grinned and was about to say something else when the sliding glass door flung
open. Alan saw the look on Josh’s face. It was instant disappointment.
“Baby!” a
voice from behind yelled.
Alan
turned around in his seat. It was a girl. She was obliviously younger than most
of the other guests inside. The dress she was wearing was so skimpy that Alan
was afraid that one, or perhaps both of her breasts might pop out at any
moment. That was something he definitely didn’t want to see. She was also very
drunk.
“Tiffany!”
Josh shouted, his voice high and strange. “I thought you were going out with
your friends tonight.”
“And miss
this?” Tiffany threw her arms out and spun in a loose, sloppy circle. She came
to a stop beside the table. “Hi, I’m Tiff!”
“Hello,”
Alan said, confused. “Alan. Um, I’m Alan.”
“Nice to
meet you.” Tiffany plopped herself down on Josh’s lap, grabbed the cigarette
from his hand and took a drag. She exhaled and leaned over, kissing Josh’s
cheek, leaving behind a smear of red lipstick.
“How did
you get here, Tiffany?” Josh asked.
“Makayla
drove me.” Tiffany frowned. “Aren’t you happy to see me, baby?”
“Of
course.” Josh shifted under her weight, took the cigarette back and put it out
in an ashtray located in the center of the table.
“God,”
Tiffany said, running her hand down Josh’s chest and undoing one of his
buttons. “You look so hot tonight, baby.”
“Thanks,”
Josh muttered.
Alan
cleared his throat. “So… how do you guys know each other?”
“Joshie’s
my boyfriend.”
Josh’s
face flushed. He looked away from Alan.
“Oh,”
Confusion rushed through his mind, but it was quickly replaced by anger.
“That’s great.” Alan looked at the Martini in his hand. He drank it quickly,
removed the toothpick and ate the olive and tiny onion. “Well, I was just on my
way out of here. Nice talking to you, Josh. Great meeting you, Tiffany. Enjoy
the party.” With that, he stood and left the couple alone on the veranda.
“See you
around, Alan!” Tiffany roared.
“Alan¾”
Alan cut
him off by closing the door. He deposited his glass in the sink, ignoring the
urge to glance at Josh and Tiffany one final time before he left and walked out
of the kitchen. He pulled Jillian out of the crowd and thanked her for inviting
him to the party, grabbed his coat from the hall closet and left.
Some
fucking luck, Alan thought as he drove home. The fantasy of Josh
still boiled about in his mind, no matter how hard he tried to replace it with
other material. You need to just forget about him. Nothing can happen
anyway. He’s in the closet and you don’t need that bullshit in your life. You
need someone, though. God knows you’re tired of being alone.
Almost
subconsciously, he found himself before, The Bow, a local gay bar. He sighed
heavily, parked and turned off his car. “Here goes nothing.” He got out and
went inside.
* * * *
The drive
to Tiffany’s building seemed to take forever. Especially with her droning on
about some sale that Macy’s was going to have the next day. Apparently,
sweaters were going to be insanely cheap. It made sense considering it was
eighty degrees in the shade and would be for the next few months.
Finally
they arrived and he helped her to the entrance of her building.
“Goodnight,”
Josh said.
“You
aren’t going to come up?” Tiffany asked, swaying a bit. “I’ll make it worth
your time, Joshie.” She undid a few of his buttons, touching the indention
between his pecs with her finger lightly.
“No,”
Josh muttered. “I think you need to go up and sleep this off.”
“I’m not
drunk,” Tiffany said. Her face was inches from Josh’s and her breath told a
different tale.
“I think
you are.” Josh laughed. “Go up to your apartment and sleep, honey. I’ll see you
tomorrow.”
“Alright.”
Tiffany leaned in for a kiss.
Josh
sighed, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug. “Go on up.”
“Night,
Joshie.” Tiffany disappeared into the building.
Josh
stood there for a moment, breathing deeply. What the hell am I doing? I
can’t go on lying to her. It’s been seven months. She’s going to start talking
about something permanent…
Josh
shoved the thoughts from his mind and started toward his car. He flopped down
behind the wheel and started her up. He glanced at himself in the mirror.
“Fag,” the disgust in his voice came through loud and clear. “You fucking
queer.”
He
slammed his hand against the steering wheel. Why can’t I stop thinking about
that guy from the party? With a sigh, he lit a fresh cigarette and drove
toward the nearest gay bar. He just needed to relax.
* * * *
Alan sat
down on a stool at the bar.
"What
can I get you?" the bartender called over the noise of the bustling crowd
once he noticed Alan was without a drink.
A real
man. Not some closeted asshole. Alan smiled. "Nothing, thanks. I'm
driving."
The
bartender waved his hand, gesturing to all the drunken people in the club.
“Doesn’t stop these folks.” He smiled warmly. “But I won’t pressure you. I
think it’s awesome that there’s someone who still cares enough about other
people not to get wasted and drive.” Then he winked. “If you need something let
me know.”
“Sure
thing.” Alan nodded. He glanced over his shoulder, scoping out the scene. There
was a guy on the dance floor, obviously drunk. He kept bumping into the girl he
was dancing with. Fag hag, Alan thought, smiling.
A few
feet away, another guy was leaning against the bar. The flashing lights from
the dance floor smoothed over his face, making it look like he was wearing very
colorful clown makeup. Alan took a deep breath, trying to work up the courage
it would take to talk to him. It’ll be easy. Just walk over and ask his
name. You’ve done this before. What’s your problem?
“Alan?”
He turned
his attention to the direction of the voice. There, on the stool next to him,
was Josh. “Shit. What are you doing here?”
“I wanted
to chill out before going home and going to bed.”
“Well, enjoy
your relaxation.” Alan stood, trying not to look as uncomfortable as he felt.
“Catch you later.”
“Don’t.”
Josh touched Alan’s arm. “Can we talk?”
Alan
shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Please?”
Alan
sighed. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Good
argument.”
Alan
rolled his eyes. “You have a girlfriend.”
“Yeah.
Yeah, I do.”
“See?”
“Does
that mean we can’t talk about what happened?”
Alan sat
back down. “What did happen?”
“I hit on
you.” Josh smiled. “You’re cute.”
Despite
himself, Alan smiled at the compliment.
Josh
glanced at the dance floor. “Will you dance with me?”
“I don’t
dance.” Alan said.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Are you
just saying that because I have a girlfriend?”
“Maybe.”
“Just one
song?”
“I don’t
think so¾”
“C’mon!”
Josh grabbed Alan’s arm. “Just one.”
“No.”
“I’m not
taking no for an answer.” Josh smiled and hauled Alan from his stool, then
pulled him all the way out onto the floor. He slipped his arms around Alan,
holding him close. “Relax.”
Alan
pushed back from Josh. “This isn’t appropriate.”
“C’mon,
Alan. Have a little fun. We aren’t hurting anybody. I’m not cheating on
Tiffany. We’re just dancing.”
Alan
sighed. I have to get away from this guy. “One dance. Then I’m going
home.”
“Fine.” Josh
smiled, reclaiming his hold on Alan‘s body. “Thank you.”
* * * *
God, he
feels so good. Josh smoothed his hands over Alan’s arms, feeling his
warmth. They moved together to the music. It’s crazy that he was here. What
a coincidence…
Josh
stared into Alan’s eyes. Watching him as he moved. “You’re a good dancer.”
“Thank
you.”
“I wasn’t
lying when I said you were cute.”
“Stop.”
“I’m
serious. You’re a very handsome guy.”
“Are you,
like, experimenting with your sexuality or something?”
The
question shocked Josh. “No. I mean, no, I’m not.”
“So are
you bi or just curious?”
“I’m not
bi…”
“Closeted?”
“You
could say that.”
“Come
out, come out wherever you are.”
“What do
you mean?”
“Josh,
you’re dancing with a gay man in a gay bar. You’re gay.”
“I know,
but I…”
“Don’t
want to be?”
“No,
that’s not it.” Josh thought about his family. The idea of him with another man
would kill his mother. God only knows what his dad would have to say about it.
“Hey, I’m
sorry. It’s your choice.” Alan smiled.
“It’s not
as easy as just ‘coming out’.”
“It’s
your choice.” Alan said, again. “I don’t know your situation, so it’s cool.”
Josh
leaned forward and was about to whisper something to Alan when their lips
brushed. Electricity rushed though Josh’s body. Oh, God…
Without thinking,
Josh pressed forward, connecting with Alan’s mouth. Josh opened wide, welcoming
Alan’s tongue to pass his lips and explore him.
Alan
broke the kiss and pulled away. “I need to go.”
“What?”
Josh blinked. He reached for Alan’s hand. “Why?”
“I can’t
do this.”
“Wait.
Please.” Josh tightened his grip on Alan’s hand.
“I
shouldn‘t have danced with you. Fuck. I knew this would happen.” Alan shook his
head. “I can’t. It’s wrong.”
“Please.
Don’t.”
“No.”
Alan pulled his hand away from Josh’s. “I have to go.”
“Alan¾”
“Goodnight.”
Alan turned and walked away quickly.
Josh
watched as Alan disappeared out the door. He wanted to follow him. He wanted to
grab him, hold him close, kiss him once more.
And he
hated himself for it.
* * * *
A week
had passed and Alan continued to bury himself in his work. Filing papers,
running errands for the bigwigs, making copies and trying to forget about Josh,
and what happened on the night of Jillian’s party.
The
ringing of the phone jarred Alan out of his thoughts.
“Hello?”
“Deckard!
How the hell are you, pal?”
Alan
covered the receiver and moaned. It was Johnny Garrison; the jerk in charge of
Human Resources. “I’m good. Yourself?”
“In a
tight spot, pal. A real tight spot.”
Alan
rolled his eyes. “How’s that, Mr. Garrison?”
“Well,
I’ve got this stack of papers up here and I need to fax them.”
“That
doesn’t sound like that much of a problem, Mr. Garrison.” Alan reached for a
pencil from the old coffee mug he used to store writing utensils. Tapped it in
the desk a few times and then placed it back in the cup.
“Well,
pal, my son has a football game tonight at five.”
Of course
he does, Alan thought. “That’s one busy family you have there,
Mr. Garrison.”
“Yeah,
the wife likes to keep the kids in as many activities as possible.”
Already
tired of Garrison’s story, Alan cut him off and asked, “Is there something I
can do to help you out?”
“I’m up
to my ass in forms up here, bud. They needed to be sent out over an hour ago,
but I’m just so busy. And I’d hate to miss my son’s game over something so
bothersome. Could you run up here and fax them for me, pal?”
“Sure
thing,” Alan said, trying not to let his annoyance show. You can’t be
bothered with them, but I can? Jerk. “I’ll be up as soon as I can.”
“Thanks,
pal, I owe you a million! I’ll be sure to keep this in mind when it comes time
for promotions.” He hung up.
“Stupid
bastard,” Alan spat once he’d hung up the phone. He glanced at the little clock
on his cubicle wall. Four forty-two. Maybe if he hurried he could get out of
the office without having to do any overtime. After all, he’d worked over three
hours only a few days before because Garrison was in another “tight spot” and
had to go to his daughter’s ballet recital.
Alan
pushed himself back from his desk, got out of his chair, went over to the
elevator and pressed the button for the sixth floor.
* * * *
The stack
of papers was nothing when compared to the last odd job Alan had to do for
Garrison¾who had left once
Alan appeared at his door. He rushed out, but not before thanking Alan once
again for helping him with the paperwork. Alan grabbed the first paper from the
heap and was about to type the fax number into the machine on Garrison’s desk
when there was a knock at the door.
“Come
in.” Alan called. He entered the information into the panel and placed the
paper into the fax machine.
“Alan?”
Alan
glanced over his shoulder. “Josh?”
Josh made
a face. “Alan, I didn’t know you were in here… Uh… I was just dropping this
file off before I left for the day.” Josh shut the door behind him. He had the
folder in his hand. “Is Garrison already gone?”
“Yes.”
Alan returned to his work. “Football game.”
“Ah,”
Josh said. “Yeah, right. He probably has another date with that receptionist
from one.”
Alan
turned. The anger that had been building for the last week appeared suddenly.
“I guess that’s pretty popular up on this floor, huh?”
“What?”
“You know
exactly what I mean, Josh.”
“What are
you talking about?” Josh placed the folder on Garrison’s desk.
“Cheating,”
Alan said. “Cheating on wives. Girlfriends. Or at least trying to.”
“You
don’t know what you’re talking about, Alan.”
“I can’t
believe you!” Alan shouted. He stepped closer to Josh, killing the distance
between them in two steps. “Why did you touch me like that?”
Josh ran
a hand over his bald head. “This isn't something we should talk about here.” He
took a step back and put his hand on the door handle.
“No,”
Alan said. He reached forward and grabbed Josh’s arm, pulling it off the
handle. “We need to talk about this.”
“Talk
about what?” Josh demanded. “About my stupid girlfriend? About how I’m a damn
queer?”
“A
‘queer’?” Alan let go of Josh. “I happen to be a queer, you know. I just
so happen to be very happy to be a damn queer.”
“Well, I’m
not as happy with it as you are!” Josh’s face flushed with anger.
“That
explains the girlfriend,” Alan stated. “If you hate being gay so much, then why
did you... Well, you know what we did at the bar.”
“Alan,
I’d imagine you get much more than that done to you when you go to the bar.”
“I don’t
normally go to bars.”
“Yeah,
right.”
“Don’t
try to change the subject. This isn’t about me!” Alan snarled. “This is about
you and your own issues.”
Josh
frowned. “I’m sorry about Tiffany. I'm sorry about what happened at the bar.”
“I’m
not,” Alan said. “At least that showed me what you really were before anything
happened.”
“What?”
Josh asked. “A jerk? A creep? No, I’m not any of those things, Alan. Wait.
Didn't you want something to happen?”
“I… uh…”
Alan returned to the fax machine. “Just shut up and go away.”
“No.”
Josh walked over and sat on the edge of Garrison’s desk. “You wanted to talk
about this. Let’s talk.”
“Apparently
there’s nothing to talk about, Joshie.” Alan smirked. “That is what your
girlfriend calls you isn’t it? Joshie?” He sighed. “Please, just go away. I
don’t feel like dealing with this at the moment.”
“Alan,
I’m sorry.” Josh put his hands on Alan’s arms. “Look. I know that I have
some...problems with accepting myself. But, I don’t want to walk away from you.
Not like this.”
“What are
you talking about?”
“I… I've
been thinking about you since that night. I've tried not to, but I can't help
it. It's like... Fuck it. Alan, I can't get you out of my mind.”
“Whatever.”
Alan pulled away. “Don’t touch me. You’ll make your girlfriend jealous.”
“I don’t
care about her!”
Alan
spun, crossing his arms before his chest. “Well, that’s just wonderful. No,
wait, that’s totally horrible. God, you’re awful.”
“I know.”
Josh hung his head. “Alan, I don’t want to go on lying.”
“Then
don’t, Josh. Go forth and tell the world you’re a flaming homo,” the sardonic
tone in Alan’s voice, completely evident. “And get out of here so I can get
these stupid faxes sent out.”
“Alan,”
Josh whispered. “I…”
“Josh, I
understand that you’re confused¾”
“I’m not
confused!” Josh exclaimed. “I’m not confused, Alan. I know exactly what I want
and it’s not Tiffany.”
Alan was
shocked at the sudden display of emotion. Is he serious? Does he really want
something more than… “Josh?”
“Please,
Alan, forget about Tiffany. I don’t want her. I want a man. For the first time
in my life, I can admit that to myself.” He smiled. “I want a man. Someone like
you. You, actually.”
Alan
stared into Josh's eyes, frowning. God, why does he have to be so adorable?
“I’m sorry that we met the way we did. It could have been very different.,”
He was
being honest. For a brief moment he remembered what he had seen in Josh that
night, but it was replaced, once again, with anger. “Just go away, please.”
“No,”
Josh said. “Not until I do what I’ve wanted to do since that night.”
“What’s
that?”
Josh rose
from the desk, grabbed Alan and pulled him forward. Before he could fight back,
their lips touched. The kiss was brief, but still managed to make Alan’s chest tight.
Josh pulled back slightly and looked into his eyes before moving in again for
another kiss. This time the kiss was longer… much longer. Alan opened his mouth
slightly and Josh’s tongue worked its way in, exploring hungrily.
Alan was
lost in the kiss for a moment, but then his senses came flooding back to him.
He shoved Josh back against the desk. “Stop!”
“Alan,”
Josh said, his arms still around him. “Please, Alan, don’t push me away.
Please. I like you. You're the first man I've ever wanted to be with for more
than one night in secret. I don't know how else to make my case to you.
You...excite me.”
“Josh,
you have a girlfriend.” Alan tried to ignore the growth of Josh’s hard cock
against his leg.
“I don’t
want her,” Josh said. “I want you.”
“No, you
don’t,” Alan said. “You want a friend with benefits. One that’s content living
a lie with you.”
“I’m not
ashamed to say that I like you, Alan.” Josh closed his eyes for what seemed
like forever and then opened them slowly, as if thinking of what to say next.
“Don't you understand? I've never felt like this about another guy. And, I know
that’s no excuse for how I'm acting, but… Alan, I’m so sorry. Just give me a
chance so we can see what this is between us.”
Alan
laughed. “Josh, I can’t do this.”
“I can't
just walk away from this,” Josh said, his voice serious. “I’ve never felt this
way about another guy before. I don’t know what it is. I can’t get you out of
my head. I know we know next to nothing about one another, but there’s
something there. Don’t you feel it?”
“Josh¾” Alan was
interrupted by Josh planting another kiss on his lips. The kiss was wonderful,
warm, so inviting… Alan shoved himself back again. “Josh, will you stop it!”
“Do you
really want me to?”
He forced
a blank look onto his face. No, of course I don’t want you to stop. I’ve
wanted this since the night I saw you, you stupid bastard.
“You
don’t,” Josh whispered. “Tell me you don’t want me to quit.” He pulled Alan
closer and kissed his neck lightly, his hands sliding down Alan’s back, cupping
his ass. “Let me fuck you, Alan. Let me inside you.”
Fuck me?
Alan was bothered by the words, but the anger drizzled away as Josh’s tongue
passed over his neck. Josh moved in closer, closing his mouth on Alan’s neck
and sucking gently. He moved upward and took Alan’s earlobe into his mouth,
nibbling slightly and causing Alan to moan. “Oh, Josh, that feels so good.”
Suddenly,
the angry voice of Mr. Garrison rang outside the door. He was yelling something
at his secretary.
Equally
shocked, the two pushed themselves away from one another. The door swung open
and Garrison walked in. “Forgot my keys, Deckard!” He noticed Josh. “Howdy,
Withers. What are you doing in here? Did you need something, buddy?”
Josh
glanced at Alan. “No, sir. I just dropped a folder off for Ryder.”
“Oh,”
Garrison said, grabbing his keys from a drawer in his desk. He looked from
Josh’s face to Alan’s and then back to Josh, confusion clouding his features.
“Everything okay in here, boys?”
“Just
fine,” Alan muttered.
“Why are
your faces so damn red?”
Josh
laughed. “I was just telling him…a joke! A joke I heard on the radio this
morning. We were cracking up.”
“Yeah,”
Alan muttered. “Hilarious stuff.”
“Why
don’t you walk with me, Withers? I could use a laugh. Plus, I need to talk to
you about the Q-2 reports.”
“Yeah,”
Josh said. “I’ll be glad to accompany you, sir.” He glanced over his shoulder
as they left. “I’m sorry,” he mouthed.
The door
closed and Alan was left alone. He flopped down in Garrison’s leather chair,
holding his head in his trembling hands and began rubbing his temples with his
thumbs trying to relieve the stress of his latest encounter with Josh. “What in
the hell is going on here?”
* * * *
For the
entire elevator ride, Josh searched his mind for a joke to tell Garrison, but was
unable to find a single one. Not that it actually mattered anyway. Garrison was
too wrapped up in telling Josh about his son’s football career.
Josh
listened halfheartedly, all the while wishing he was still up in that office
with Alan… and wondering if Garrison was even going to a football game in the
first place.
When they
arrived at the first floor, Garrison exited the elevator, but not before
playfully punching Josh in the arm and spouting some male chauvinistic slogan
about women.
Josh
faked a smile. “Tell your son I wish him good luck tonight, sir.”
“He
doesn’t need luck, buddy. He’s got his old dad’s spirit.”
The doors
closed and Josh was alone in the compartment. He leaned against the wall,
watching the numbers above the door change, one by one, as he ascended. The
ride stopped on the third floor. The doors jerked open and Jillian stepped in.
“Oh, hey,
Josh,” she said, her arms full of paperwork.
“Hello,
Jillian.” Josh frowned looking at the workload. “Can I help you with that?”
“Oh, it’s
nothing.” Jillian sighed. “Garrison called me earlier and asked me to get these
copied for him. However, I’ve been to two floors already and apparently it is
National Malfunctioning Copy Machine Day.”
Josh
laughed. “Garrison is such a douche bag.” He thought for a moment. “The one up
on six is working. I used it about an hour ago.”
Jillian
looked at the numbers above the door. “What a coincidence. That’s where I’m
headed.”
“You know
where it is?”
“Vaguely,”
she admitted.
“I can
show you.” Josh was suddenly afraid to go anywhere near Garrison’s office, near
Alan.
“You
don’t have anything else to do?”
“Not
really… No, I don’t. I kind of want to talk with you anyway.”
“Really?”
Jillian grinned. “About?”
“I’ll
tell you when we’re assured to have a little more privacy.”
“I like
the sound of that.” Jillian laughed.
The door
opened again and they walked out onto the sixth floor. Josh led the way to the
room that contained the copy machine. It also happened to be the same room that
held the vending machines. Josh put two quarters in the slot and selected A3.
Hot chocolate¾his favorite.
He
watched the brown liquid stream into the cup. “Want something?”
“No
thanks.” Jillian set to work at the machine. “I’m not big on coffee.”
“That’s
cool.” Josh smiled, thinking of how that statement had made Alan laugh on the
veranda. “Cool, cool, cool.”
“You
okay?”
“Yeah,
sure.” Josh lifted the cup to his lips and blew, sending a fog of steam into
the air. “Just dandy.”
“Liar.”
“I know.”
He sighed.
“So, what’s
up?” Jillian took a vial of correction liquid from her pants’ pocket. She
brushed a thin layer over a few words on the sheet she was studying and blew
gently to dry the fluid. “Fess up.”
“I like
someone other than my girlfriend.”
“Really?”
Jillian turned to face him. “Who?”
He looked
down at his shoes for a moment, gathering his courage. “Alan.”
Jillian
grinned broadly. “Excellent! Does he know?”
Josh was
shocked. “Don’t you think it’s weird?”
“No, why
would it be?” Jillian placed her hands on her hips, a gesture that reminded him
of his mother. “Wait. Does Tiffany know that you’re gay?”
“Of
course not. I’m not…” Josh sighed again. Might as well be honest. I've
already come this far. “No, she doesn’t know.”
“You have
to tell her.”
“I know,
Jillian.”
“So tell
her.”
“I will.
It’s going to be rough, though.”
“Yeah,
but it’ll be better than lying to her forever.”
“You’re
right.”
“I know.
I always am.”
Josh
leaned against the wall. “You think she’ll understand?”
“If she
loves you, she’ll want you to be happy.” Jillian pushed a strand of hair out of
her face. “You have to do what you think is right.”
He stared
at the floor, deep in thought. “Jillian, can you give me directions to Alan’s
house?”
“Yeah.”
Jillian grabbed a piece of paper from the stack of blanks that fed into the
copier and pulled a pen from her pocket. Holding the document against the wall,
she quickly wrote down the information. After she was done, she held the paper
out to Josh, but pulled it back quickly. “Promise me you’ll tell Tiffany before
you go over there and mess with my Alan’s head?”
“I
promise, Jillian. I don’t want to hurt him.”
Jillian
smiled, shoving the paper into his hand. “Okay, get out of here. I have to
finish this stupid shit so I can go home. I have a bottle of Vodka calling my
name.”
Josh
laughed. He folded the paper and placed it in his pants pocket. “Thank you,
Jillian. Very, very much.”
“Anytime.”
Josh
hurried out of the room, but paused outside of the door and pulled his cell
phone from his pocket, dialed a number and waited for an answer.
“Hello?”
“Tiffany!
Hey, it’s Josh.”
“Hi,
Joshie! How are you, baby?”
“Good,
good. Hey, can you meet me somewhere? I really need to talk to you.”
* * * *
Alan drove
home on the interstate; going well over the speed limit. His mind was racing
even faster than his car. What the hell was I thinking? I can’t believe I
let him kiss me...again.
The only
thing worse than knowing that he had allowed Josh to kiss him, was remembering
how wonderful it felt. Alan had wanted to stay after he finished the
faxes; he wanted to finish his discussion with Josh, but his good sense
took over after fifteen minutes of waiting and he left.
Alan
drove the car into the garage under his building, collected his belongings and
hurried up to his apartment. After unlocking the door, he walked into the
living room and tossed his briefcase on the sofa.
Making
his way to his bedroom, Alan flopped down on the bed and shut his eyes. His
mind immediately went back to Josh. His face, his hands, his body, all of him,
dominating Alan’s thoughts. His cock pulsed in his pants, growing larger and
harder by the second. “Damn you, Josh!” Alan shouted, hauling himself off of
the bed. He looked at himself in the mirror. “Why are you letting this bother
you so much? He’s doesn’t want you, you idiot. He wants a fuck buddy.” Alan’s
eyes drifted down to his erection. “Damn it.”
Alan
threw himself back on the bed. Kicking his shoes off, he loosened his tie and
tried to relax. After a while, his mind¾and his
throbbing erection¾settled down as he
drifted off into an agitated sleep.
* * * *
Josh
fumbled with the napkin on the table before him, ripping it into tiny pieces.
He took a small sip from his coffee cup, keeping his eyes on the entrance to
the café. After what seemed like a lifetime, Tiffany walked in, holding three
massive shopping bags tightly in her hands. Flopping down in a chair across
from Josh, she let the bags slip to the floor.
“Coffee?”
Josh asked, smiling weakly.
“Tea
would be great.” She opened her tiny purse and whipped out a tube of bright red
lipstick. Smearing some on her lips, she glanced at the shredded napkin.
“What’s up with that, Joshie? You upset about something?” She pressed her lips
together and popped them three times.
“No.”
Josh frowned. “Well, yeah.”
“What is
it?”
“I¾” The waitress
walked by their table. Josh quickly threw his hand up, requesting her
attention.
“What’ll
it be, sweetie?” Her voice was rough, revealing long years of cigarette
smoking.
“Tea?”
Josh questioned, looking at Tiffany.
“Dry iced
tea, please. No lemon.”
The
waitress scribbled in her pad. “It’ll be right out.” She hurried away.
Tiffany
leaned forward and took Josh’s hand. He resisted an urge to pull away from her
touch. “What’s the problem, baby?”
“Tiffany…”
“Yes?”
“I don’t
think we should see each other anymore.”
“What?”
Tiffany ripped her hand away from Josh’s. “What the fuck are you talking
about?”
“I just
don’t see this relationship going anywhere.”
“Are you serious?
I love you, Josh!”
“Tiffany,
I care for you, too. But¾”
“But
what?” Tiffany crossed her arms, a fierce look crossing her face.
“I can’t
be with you anymore.”
“Why?
What did I do?”
“You
didn’t do anything. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“That’s
what everyone says, Josh.” She started tapping her foot on the floor at a rapid
pace.
“No,
honestly. It’s nothing to do with you. We just aren’t going to work out.”
“Why?”
“I don’t
want to go into it.”
“Too bad.
You owe me an explanation, Josh.”
“Tiffany¾”
“No!” Tiffany
shouted. Several people surrounding their table turned to face her. She ignored
them. “Tell me.”
“I don’t
want to.”
“I don’t
care what you want.”
“I know
you don’t! You never did!” Josh shouted.
Tiffany
looked shocked. “Josh?”
“I’m not
happy with you Tiffany, but it’s not because of anything you do. It’s because
of what you are.”
“What the
hell is that suppose to mean? This bullshit had better not be about my age,
Josh Withers, or I swear¾”
“Shut
up!” Josh shouted, then lowered his voice. “Please, listen to me.”
“Fine.”
Tiffany glared.
Josh
looked around. Why did I ask her to meet me here? Talk about a dumb idea. “I don’t
want to be with a woman.”
“What do
you mean?”
God, was
she always this stupid? He leaned forward and whispered, “I’m gay, Tiffany. Gay.”
Tiffany
sat back in her chair. Her eyes locked with Josh’s.
Josh
frowned. “I’m so sorry.”
The
waitress made her reappearance at that exact moment, sitting the glass of tea
down on the table between the two of them.
Tiffany grabbed
the glass and immediately flung the liquid in Josh’s face. “I don’t ever want
to see you again, you dumb faggot.” She gathered her belongings, stood and
walked to the door. She turned and, with tears glistening in her eyes, said,
“Goodbye, Joshie.”
With that
she was gone.
The
waitress didn’t skip a beat;, she was already wiping up the tea with a towel
she pulled from her apron. She looked up at Josh and smiled. “Oh, look on the
bright side, dear. At least it was iced tea.”
* * * *
Alan was
awakened by his doorbell buzzing repeatedly. He sat up quickly, wiping the
sleep from his eyes. He rolled over and pushed himself out of the bed. A quick
glance at the clock mounted on the wall revealed that he had been asleep for a
little over an hour. Alan yawned, made his way through the living room and
peered through the peephole, catching a familiar sight. “Josh?”
Josh
stopped pressing the doorbell once he heard Alan’s voice. “Alan, please let me
in.”
Alan
slowly opened the door. “What are you doing here?”
Josh
forced the door open the rest of the way, stepped inside and shut it behind
him. He grabbed Alan’s arms and pulled him closer. “Alan…”
“Josh.”
Alan smiled. “What are you doing here? How did you know where I lived?”
“I asked
Jillian. She gave me directions. Very distinct directions.”
“Jillian?”
Alan rolled his eyes. “You didn’t tell her why, did you?”
“Yes,”
Josh admitted and sighed. “I told her that I wanted to be with you. When I left
the office with Garrison, it suddenly hit me… I don’t care about what anyone
thinks anymore. Alan, I’ve never¾”
“What
about Tiffany?” Alan asked, interrupting Josh’s speech.
“I spoke
with her after Jillian gave me the directions to get here, asked her to meet me
at the café down on Third Avenue and explained everything to her. She was real
mad.” He obviously left out the details. “But she understood. She never wants
to see me again, but she does understand.”
Alan
could feel the frown pulling at his mouth. “I’m sorry.”
Josh
smiled. “It’s okay, Alan. I’m ready to move on… with you. If you wouldn’t mind,
that is.”
Alan
laughed. “Josh¾”
“C’mon,
Alan.” He stepped closer, pressing their bodies together. “No girlfriend, no
lies, no shame… What’s stopping us?”
Alan
looked into Josh’s eyes. “You jerk.”
Josh
laughed. “Yeah, I’m a jerk. And I want to be your jerk.” He closed his mouth
over Alan’s, sucking Alan’s tongue into his mouth, teasing him. Josh pulled
away, smiling. “Want me to quit?”
“No.”
Josh
laughed and wrapped his arms around Alan.
Before
Alan’s mind could actually grasp what was happening, they were in the bedroom.
Josh laid Alan down on the bed gently, straddled his legs and unbuttoned his
shirt quickly. “I've wanted to do this since I saw you. God, you’re so
beautiful, Alan,” he whispered softly.
“Josh…”
Josh bent
over and ran his tongue from Alan’s stomach up to his chest, stopping at his
nipple to nibble lightly, moving up to his lips, Josh locked him in a powerful
kiss.
Alan
struggled to unbutton Josh’s shirt¾he longed
to see his chest. He broke the kiss to say, “I can’t work your buttons, Josh.”
Josh rose
up, grabbed his shirt by the collar and ripped it open, sending buttons flying.
Pulling the shirt off, he tossed it aside, his chest gleaming in the pale
moonlight coming through the curtained window. “How’s that?”
Alan
found the act incredibly hot. “Really, really good.”
Josh
smiled. “Good.” He reached down and undid Alan’s belt, jerking it free from the
belt loops. Alan laughed, doing the same to Josh, then going a step farther by
unbuttoning and unzipping his fly. With a rough tug, the pants were down and
Josh’s red-and-black checkered boxers were exposed, his erection budging. The
only thing keeping Alan away from Josh’s cock was a thin layer of cotton.
Josh
stood, his pants falling. He bent over and removed his shoes, letting the pants
slide off the rest of the way, then held his hand out to Alan. “Stand up.”
Alan took
Josh’s hand and stood. “What’s wrong?”
“Are you
sure you want to do this, Alan?”
“Yes,”
Alan removed his shirt and dropped it to the floor. “I want this to happen,
Josh. Very, very badly.”
“Good,
because I’m not going to be able to stop now.” Josh dropped to his knees before
Alan, undoing his pants and pulling them down. He moaned as Josh slowly removed
his briefs, unleashing his throbbing erection. Josh wrapped his hand around his
dick, pumping it slowly.
“Oh,
Josh, I’ve wanted this for so long.”
“Then
enjoy it, baby.” Tentatively, Josh took Alan’s cock into his mouth, exploring
its surface with his tongue.
Alan
groaned, his hands instinctively going to the back of Josh’s head, forcing
himself further into his hot mouth. Josh began to move, forward and backward,
sending tingles of excitement through his body.
“Oh,
Josh, I’m going to…if you don‘t stop…”
Josh
pulled back, licking the head of Alan’s cock as he did. He stood slowly. “We
can’t have that. Now can we?”
“Not
yet,” Alan agreed. “Take your boxers off, Josh. I want to see you.”
Josh
smiled and did as he was told, seductively running his thumbs along the
waistband and turning from Alan, before shoving them down to the floor.
Alan
licked his lips, longing to taste Josh’s body. “Turn around.”
Josh
laughed. “Why?”
Alan
laughed, grabbed Josh by the arms and spun him around. Josh’s cock brushed
against his leg, sending shockwaves through his body. “Don’t be shy now.”
Their
eyes met. “I want you so bad, Alan.”
“Take
me,” Alan said simply.
Josh’s
eyes flashed and a devilish smiled spread across his face. “I will.” Taking
Alan into his arms, he laid him back down on the bed, just as gently as before.
Their lips met in another smoldering kiss.
Alan
pulled away. “Make love to me, Josh.”
“With
pleasure,” Josh whispered, staring deep into Alan’s eyes. He took hold of
Alan’s legs, raising them upward, exposing him to his stare. “God, I want in
that ass.”
Alan
swung his arm wildly, grabbing the knob on the drawer of his nightstand and
pulling it open. He produced a small red bottle and a condom packet. “Here.” He
handed Josh the items.
Josh
quickly slipped on the condom, drizzled the lube on his cock, and grabbed
Alan’s legs again. He pushed forward, forcing his cock deep inside of Alan. He
began working it in and out, slowly at first, but speeding up swiftly.
“Faster!”
Alan demanded. “Oh, Josh! You feel so good!”
“Alan!”
Josh bellowed. “Damn…Alan!
The two
rocked in unison, their eyes never breaking contact.
“Alan,
I’m close,” Josh warned.
“Go,
baby. I want it inside of me,” Alan said through gritted teeth, fighting back a
scream of passion.
Josh grinned
broadly, grabbed Alan’s dick and started to pump it fiercely.
Alan
threw his head back. “Yes! Oh, baby.”
Josh kept
thrusting, all the while working his hand up and down Alan’s cock. Suddenly,
without warning, Josh’s orgasm ripped through him. Alan’s arms flew out,
searching for something to hold onto as his own climax took control of his
body, spraying semen across his stomach and chest. Unable to control himself
any longer, Alan yelled Josh’s name over and over. Josh placed his hand over
Alan’s mouth, hushing him.
“You’ll
piss off your neighbors,” Josh whispered.
“Screw
them,” Alan said, shoving Josh’s hand away and laughing.
“I’d
rather screw you,” Josh said with a laugh. “Over and over.” He bent down,
kissed Alan’s freshly glazed stomach, moved up to his neck and stopped at his
mouth, kissing him powerfully.
Alan
smiled. “Give me a few minutes. A madman just tore me up.”
Josh
grinned. “Five minutes, buddy, but that’s all. Then I’m going in for the kill!”
One Year Later
“Congratulations!”
Jillian shouted as Alan opened the door. She hurried inside, grabbing Alan and
kissing him on the cheek. “Where’s your other half, stud?”
“He’s in
the kitchen making drinks for everyone,” Alan answered.
“Is he
now?” Jillian smiled. “Maybe I should help him. He never makes them strong
enough.”
Alan
laughed. “You drunk.” He took Jillian’s hand and led her to the kitchen. “Look
who’s here!”
“Jill!”
Josh yelled. He turned from the blender and rushed over to give her a hug. “How
the hell are you, darling?”
“Ready
for a drink,” Jillian answered.
“As
usual,” Alan said, smirking.
Josh
laughed. “C’mon over, Jill. I’ll hook you up.”
Josh and
Jillian went to the counter. Jillian immediately grabbed the tequila bottle,
pouring an obscene amount into the blender.
Alan
walked out of the kitchen, stopping to make small talk with a few of their
guests, then finally made his way out to the deck. He knew he should be inside
entertaining, but he just had to be alone for a moment. He reached into his
pants pocket, pulled out the jewelry case containing the band he had bought
weeks ago, snapped it open and gazed at the sparkling ring.
The party
going on inside the apartment was to celebrate Josh moving in with Alan. It really
was a celebration; it had taken three whole months to find someone to sublet
Josh’s apartment.
Tonight’s
the night, Alan thought as he closed the lid and slipped the
case back into his pocket. He turned and leaned back against the railing, just
in time to see Josh come to the French doors.
“What’re
you doing out here, baby?” Josh asked as he slid the door open. “The party’s in
there.”
“Just
needed some air.” Alan said with a laugh. “Can never get enough fresh air, you
know.”
Josh
stepped out onto the veranda, took Alan into his arms and kissed him deeply. “Fresh
air, huh?”
“Yeah,
it’s good stuff.”
Josh
laughed. “I love you, baby.”
“I love
you, too,” Alan replied.
“C’mon,
let’s go back inside. Jillian’s going to be drunk before we start eating dinner
if we don’t hurry.”
Alan
laughed. “Yeah, she does have a tendency to do that.”
The two
went back inside the apartment, hand-in-hand.
The End
If you
enjoyed Fresh Air by Thom Jaymes, you may enjoy some of our other Plain
Brown Wrapper stories such as On the Down Low by JM Snyder, or Coming
Home by L.
Picaro as well as other manlove stories.
Stay
informed of our latest releases at AMP_Community@yahoogroups.com (our
chatter group) or AMP_Mountaineer@yahoogroups.com
(our announcement only group).